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Sign Language: No dumping, Virgo
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Here you go. What do you mean, “what is it?” It’s an invisible jet, of course. Yes, I know you’ll look ridiculous flying around in it. Does that mean you don’t want it? If...
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Sign Language: How about just not snorting anything, Sagittarius?
Gemini (May 21-June 20) There are two main methods of losing weight: eating less and exercising more. Common sense dictates that the most viable and sustainable strategy is a combination of the two –...
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Sign Language: You can’t just stop milking the cow, Taurus!
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Never underestimate anyone’s capacity to self-delude. Many people expertly rewrite reality in their own minds to suit whatever outlandish notions appeal to them. Give them the...
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Sign Language: You’re not a tree, Scorpio. Act like it.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Being a good person – even a saintly one – doesn’t exempt you from unjust bullshit. Things happen to you regardless of whether you deserve them, or any notion of fairness....
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Sign Language: Life isn’t a smutty romance novel, Capricorn
Cancer (June 21-July 22) People are moody. You, of all people, should understand that and cut everyone some slack this week. Whether it’s righteous fury at the state of the world, because someone else...
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Sign Language: Do your detective work, Pisces
Cancer (June 21-July 22) If you were creating a road from scratch to connect points A and B, you could of course just draw a straight line between the two, and simply blast the shit out of anything in...
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Sign Language: Own your weirdness, Sagittarius!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Worse than cheating in general is trying to cheat, still losing, and then getting caught (and subsequently humiliated). That, my friend, is the lame scenario you’re eligible for...
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Sign Language: Come out of the shadows, Pisces
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Ask a Taurus to kick it into high gear and you’ll notice a slight increase in speed. Leos, however, have the ability, shared by all three fire signs, to really turn up the volume...
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Sign Language: Time for a purge, Virgo
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) It’s not healthy for Leos to practice any serious self-deprivation; it runs contrary to your nature. You know that life is short and that treating yourself is essential to...
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Sign Language: Don’t be a sore winner, Libra
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Change is always alarming, and I’m sure it’d be a little freaky to wake up and find your house being lifted off its foundations and loaded onto a truck by construction workers...
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Sign Language: Just because it isn’t a sentient robot doesn’t mean it isn’t...
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You dream you meet your soulmate, who turns out to be a duck. As they cock their head to allow first one beady eye, then the other, to gaze longingly into your dewy pair, you...
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Sign Language: Be a wild card, Libra
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Kittens, teenagers, and lovers simply don’t respond well to uninvited discipline, no matter how much they need it. Sucks for you, when you’ve got livid red scratch marks all...
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Sign Language: Rock that ‘fro, Gemini
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Lately, you’ve been craving imperfection. You’ve enjoyed your toast a little burnt, your clothing slightly frayed, and your apartment three degrees away from an ideal...
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Eh Brah! Take some pride in your patch job!
This is to all you brain dead idiots who patch the asphalt in our roads: Can’t you put in a smooth patch? People, next time you drive, notice how many times your wheels go KATHUNK, KATHUNK, throwing...
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Sign Language: Keep it short and sweet, Cancer
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) It’s amazing how some people’s stories change when they’re backed into a corner. Why would you trust someone so slippery when they’ve already proven that they’ll reveal some...
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Sign Language: Time for new glasses, Scorpio
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Some kinds of bamboo grow so quickly you can almost see it happen. Daily growth is measured in feet, not inches or millimeters. On the other hand, some forms of life scarcely...
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Sign Language: It isn’t magic, Scorpio
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) What makes you happy? I’m worried that you’ve forgotten three-quarters of a once quite-extensive list. That’s made the remaining items unreasonably important, and it can...
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Sign Language: Don’t be so bloodthirsty, Scorpio
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Sure, you could bake a traditional apple pie, but these particular guests would probably be more excited if, when they cut into that innocuous crust, they discovered bacon and...
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Sign Language: Don’t worry about the crumbs, Capricorn
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) There are at least seven major cities that are in imminent danger of sinking, including Bangkok, New Orleans, and New York. Rising water levels due to global warming and...
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Sign Language: Time to step up, Capricorn (or no one else will)
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) When you were younger, you played games to test your own strength much like the way baby animals playfully enact versions of the activities they’ll require for survival and...
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Sign Language: Just block the Fox News fanatics, Taurus
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Being in business with someone you don’t think is on the up and up is never fun. However, we frequently end up in situations where we must interact with people we know don’t...
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Sign Language: Stick with it, Sagittarius!
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Sleepwalkers engage in a variety of fairly complex activities and wake up completely unaware of ever having done them. Unfortunately, somnambulism isn’t as much of a...
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Sign Language: Time to keep it real, Sagittarius
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Do ends justify means? What happens when you discover something someone did, after the fact? You’re more or less pleased with how things ended up, so is it worth getting...
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Sign Language: Enjoy the ride, Cancer
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Sagittarians are famously known as the truth-seekers and truth-tellers of the zodiac. Being habitually frank means you can’t always understand (or, occasionally, feel...
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Sign Language: Your compassion is a strength, Pisces
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)You’ve set the ball in motion for a change, and of course you’re terrified. However, I admire your courage, proceeding despite your fears. Since you can’t know what will...
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Sign Language: Lay your traps, Capricorn
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Imagine if you could just give someone a pill and it would make them more patient, spontaneous, or reliable. You could even grind it into powder and slip it into a drink...
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Sign Language: Skip the wish list, Pisces
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)If you’re not careful, your efforts to help someone can actually hurt them by making them essentially helpless, or worse, a parasite. It’s a noble thing to offer a hand...
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Free Will Astrology: Explore saying ‘No,’ Pisces
This week we introduce our new astrology column, Free Will Astrology, written by Rob Brezsny. Along with the weekly horoscope, Rob provides “homework” — exercises and practices you can try over the...
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Free Will Astrology: Let the wound be the source, Pisces
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Please don’t imitate or repeat yourself in the coming weeks. Refrain from relying on formulas that have worked for you before. Resolve to either ignore or rebel against your...
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Free Will Astrology: Time to prove it, Taurus
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) According to my analysis, the year 2020 will be a time when you can have dramatic success as you re-evaluate and re-vision and revamp your understandings of your life...
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Free Will Astrology: What does Valentine’s Day have in store for you?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Aquarian author Derek Walcott had a perspective on love that I suspect might come in handy for you during this Valentine season. “Break a vase,” he wrote, “and the love that...
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Free Will Astrology: How much can you compromise, Libra?
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) In 1908, British playwright W. Somerset Maugham reached the height of success. Four of his plays were being performed concurrently in four different London theaters. If you...
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Free Will Astrology: Stop complaining, Aries
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) If you’re like most of us, you harbor desires for experiences that might be gratifying in some ways but draining in others. If you’re like most of us, you may on occasion get...
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Free Will Astrology: Use your instincts, Sagittarius
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) In 1637, renowned English poet John Milton wrote “Lycidas,” a poetic elegy in honor of a friend. Reading it today, almost four centuries later, we are struck by how archaic and...
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Free Will Astrology: Your body is BOTH a temple and an amusement park, Gemini
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) I suspect your fantasy life will be especially potent in the coming weeks. Your imagination will have an enhanced power to generate visions that could eventually manifest as...
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Free Will Astrology: All signs, it’s time for ‘The Tumultuous Upgrade’
We interrupt your regularly scheduled horoscopes to offer insights about the virus-driven turning point that the whole world is now experiencing. (Scroll down to go straight to the horoscope.) As...
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Free Will Astrology: You will have a great social life… April Fools!
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Your oracle comes from Aries poet Octavio Paz: “The path the ancestors cleared is overgrown, unused. The other path, smooth and broad, is crowded with travelers. It goes...
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Free Will Astrology: Practice Safe Sex, Virgo
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) “If all the world’s a stage, where the hell is the teleprompter,” asks aphorist Sami Feiring. In my astrological opinion, you Aries are the least likely of all the signs to...
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Free Will Astrology: Clear the slate, Taurus
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Moses did forty years’ worth of hard work in behalf of his people, delivering them out of slavery in Egypt. Yet God didn’t allow him to enter into the Promised Land. Why? At the...
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Free Will Astrology: Time to be brave and wise, Gemini
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20) Renowned Taurus composer Johannes Brahms (1833-1897) completed his first symphony when he was 43 years old – even though he’d started work on it at age 22. Why did it take him...
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Free Will Astrology: Take flight, Virgo!
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20) Is there an area of your life where you would like a do-over? A chance to cancel the past and erase lingering messiness and clear a path for who-knows-what new possibility? The...
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Free Will Astrology: Appreciate what you do best, Cancer
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20) “The future belongs to those who see possibilities before they become obvious,” says businessperson and entrepreneur John Sculley. You Tauruses aren’t renowned for such...
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Free Will Astrology: Love is a superpower, Leo
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20) Of all the signs, Tauruses are among the least likely to be egomaniacs. Most of you aren’t inclined to indulge in fits of braggadocio or outbreaks of narcissism. (I just heard...
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Free Will Astrology: Get into mischief, Virgo
Week of July 23-29, 2020 LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “How can I communicate to wild bunnies that I am their ally?” asked a Twitter blogger named Ghost Girl. That question is a good place to start my oracle...
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Free Will Astrology: Be ready to take advantage, Aquarius
Week of July 30-August 5, 2020 LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “Notice what no one else notices and you’ll know what no one else knows,” says actor Tim Robbins. That’s perfect counsel for you right now, Leo....
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Free Will Astrology: Don’t take it personally, Sagittarius
Week of August 6-12, 2020 LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): At times in our lives, it’s impractical to be innocent and curious and blank and receptive. So many tasks require us to be knowledgeable and...
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Free Will Astrology: Now’s a good time to start ruminating, Taurus.
Week of August 20-26, 2020. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “Joy is a mystery because it can happen anywhere, anytime, even under the most unpromising circumstances,” writes author Frederick Buechner. What...
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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY: Listen up, Libra
Week of August 27-September 2, 2020 VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “Self-love is also remembering to let others love you. Come out of hiding.” Poet Irisa Yardenah wrote that advice, and now I’m passing it...
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Free Will Astrology: Gemini, you’re due for a series of celebrational naps!
Week of September 3-9, 2020 VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “Like any art, the creation of self is both natural and seemingly impossible,” says singer-songwriter Holly Near. “It requires training as well as...
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Free Will Astrology: Rise up and correct it, Cancer
Week of October 1-7, 2020 LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In her high school yearbook, Libra-born Sigourney Weaver arranged to have this caption beneath her official photo: “Please, God, please, don’t let me...
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